Super Easy New Years Resolutions

January 3rd, 2007

Everybody’s making New Years resolutions. And everybody’s breakin’ ‘em. Why? Because they’re making them too hard. Everybody should follow my advice and make them super easy. Here are some of my Super Easy New Years Resolutions:

1) Quit Smoking.

I don’t smoke now. So all I have to do is just continue not smoking. If you do smoke, pick something you don’t do, and then just keep not doing it.

2) Make Sure My Debt is Less Than the U.S. Government’s.

Right now the U.S. National Debt is set at approximately $9 trillion. So as long as the negative number in my bank account is less than that, I’m good to go.

3) Join a Gym. And by “Join” I Mean Walk by One and Say, “Hmm… Nah. Not Today.”

4) Weigh Less Than World’s Fattest Man, Manuel Uribe.

He weighs about 1,210 pounds. So as long as I’m under a thousand or so, I’m in the clear. And even if I do somehow tip the scale over 1,210 pounds…I’m a world record holder now. Which is pretty cool.     

5) Don’t Do Crystal Meth While Listening to Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water”.

Now, I don’t do crystal meth to begin with, but let’s say for whatever reason I wanted to try it. I still could. My only restriction here is that I can’t be listening to Deep Purple’s “Smoke on the Water” while doing it. What if, say, I wanted to listen to Thunderclap Newman’s “Something in the Air” while smoking some crysty? Wouldn’t be a problem. Or what about even Deep Purple’s, “My Woman From Tokyo”? That’d be totally fine.

So there you have it. Try some of these out and live life the way you should: like a winner!

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