Archive for December, 2006

London Calling

Friday, December 22nd, 2006

I’m flying out to London tonight. Why? Because I can! Also…my sister, brother-in-law, and nephew live out there. So the wife and I decided it would be nice to visit them over the holidays. Also traveling with us will be the extended Latham and Genetos families.  And we’re all gonna be seeing the sights the only way we know how – the American way. Here’s our itinerary so far:

1. Party at the Top of the Clock Tower

(Get down by sliding down wire that’s connected from clock hand to DeLoreon as seen in the Back to the Future movies.)

2. See Rock City

(See Rock City Crumble)

3. Witness the Taunting of the Guards

(Start dancing while blaring Cotton Eyed Joe on a boombox.) 

That’s it so far. Any other sights we should see?

My First Crack at Speed Eating

Monday, December 18th, 2006

Yesterday, someone randomly posted a video on YouTube of my first ever speed eating routine. It’s from the 2001 Mr. Lower East Side contest. The host of the show, Reverend Jen, informed me that I had exactly one minute to show off whatever talent I had. I picked speed eating. I had no idea a video of this event existed at all, so thanks to whoever posted it. The audio is a little off, but hopefully you will find it quite enjoyable…

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Of note: no one in the audience really knew me at all, nor were they quite sure of what to make of my “talent”. Most of the contestants picked something like juggling, but then after the audience shouted at them to “take it all off” they would begin to strip naked. I would say about 75% of the contestants were completely nude at some point during their routine. And many of those were 70 year old men. That is not a joke. I think some people may have shouted for me to “take it all off” but I was too focused on the remaining spaghetti I needed to consume.

It’s always nice to witness the first time you perform any routine. But it’s especially rewarding to view this one, as I have since fleshed out the many intricacies and nuances of this highly complicated routine. Who knew I would one day perform it in Times Square for VH1’s Best Week Ever? What’s next? Broadway? Yes. Well, that’s the plan at least. It’s a musical I’m developing called, “Eat the Spaghetti.” I just need to find some naked, 70 year old male jugglers to be my back-up dancers. Any takers?

P.S. I ended up getting 3rd place in the competition

Great Moments in Evite Replies

Tuesday, December 12th, 2006

The holiday season is a busy time for parties. That also means it’s a busy time for Evites. For some, this might seem stressful: “What should I write in my reply?”  I never have to worry about this because I am the king of all Evite replies. My replies are by far the wittiest, sharpest, funniest and down right most brilliant replies that have ever existed. Don’t believe me? Well take a gander at some of these Evite gems I’ve used in the past:

1. “I’ll be there…with balls on!” 

Most people are aware of the more common reply, “I’ll be there…with bells on!” Well I switched that up a little – changing ”bells” to “balls.” So now it’s not only hilarious and enthusiastic, but it’s also very true (since I do indeed own a pair of balls.) I first used this phrase in December of 2000 and have been getting positive feedback for it ever since.

2. “I’m coming dressed up like a turd!!!!”

I first used this reply for a Halloween party in 2002. It was even more funny when I really did show up to the party dressed up like a giant brown turd.

3. ”Jason Stuckey is a douchebag!”

I whipped out this zinger for my friend Jason’s baby shower. It’s also sort of a double entrendre because Jason works for his Father-in-law’s company that makes ladies’ douches.

4. “Sorry, can’t make it…I have another function that night in which I will totally be doing your Mom.”                     

I wrote this one for a 4th of July party where I didn’t really know the guy throwing it. It was a friend of a friend. But I figured, what the hell, I’ll write it anyway. Little did I know that the guy’s Mom was actually in the hospital recovering from breast cancer. I didn’t get invited back to the party the following year, but it was still worth it.

5. “Suck it!”

If it takes me a while to think of something to write, or if I’m really busy at work, I’ll just put this on my reply. So far it has never let me down.

Okay that’s that. Hopefully you’ve all learned something here. Any others out there I’ve missed?  

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