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In the future, we will all be eating one of these on the fourth Thursday of every November:

It’s called a Turducken. And it is a turkey stuffed with a duck that is itself stuffed with a chicken. (For those who need more than just three types of animals in one dish, there’s also an option to wrap the Turducken in bacon.)

Every Thanksgiving, all good, red-blooded American families should gather around the dinner table together and eagerly feast upon the Turducken. Because that is how the Pilgrims would have wanted it. After all, it was during the great harvest of 1621 when the Pilgrims of Plymouth Rock were finally able to make peace with the Wampanoag Indian tribe by sharing a Turducken. And I’m telling ya, those Indians just couldn’t get enough of it.

Now some noted historians have claimed that the Pilgrims and Indians did not actually share an actual Turducken during that first Thanksgiving harvest - but in fact feasted upon a Turpicoframa - which is a turkey stuffed with some pulled pig pork which is stuffed with some cow hamburger meat which is stuffed with some frog legs which is then all stuffed inside of a llama.

So this Thanksgiving holiday, to all I say enjoy a festive Turducken or if you feel so inclined, a Turpicoframa. Gobble - gobble. Hurl - hurl.

Has anybody out there read Robert Greene’s, The 48 Laws of Power? I don’t think I’d be very good at following it. Law 15 informs me to crush my enemy completely. Another law advises me to “Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy” (Law 14). But the law that would be the most difficult for me to follow is Law 40: “Despise the Free Lunch.”

To that I say… what’s wrong with a free lunch? It’s free ain’t it? Don’t despise it. Admire it. Respect it. Love it. A free lunch is one of the main reasons to have a day job in the first place. I personally spend at least an hour each day at my job scouting around the office for left-over sandwiches, pasta or pizza from various meetings. It’s when I’m the most productive. 

And an even better way to score a free lunch is to be taken out by a sales rep. Through these generous sales reps I’ve been taken to such classy and expensive joints as Tao, Il Mulino, Gramercy Tavern, Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, and many others. Would I have gone to these high-priced establishments on my own? Hell no. Am I on track to be the next high-powered media mogul? Good point.

Maybe I should just write my own book titled, “The 48 Laws of Not Getting Ahead.” Then again a whole book would probably take a while to write. Better just make it a blog entry.  

Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe put aside their differences during their nasty divorce proceedings to come together and agree on one thing: the price tag to their exclusive divorce photos.

The newly split couple agreed to give US Weekly full access to their knock-down, drag-out divorce battle for a record $1 million. Both parties plan to use the money to pay for legal fees.

In other news, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline sold their exclusive divorce photos to OK! Magazine for $48.37 and a 12 piece bucket of fried chicken from KFC.

Niki and I went to see Borat this weekend. But it was sold out…five hours in advance. So we decided to use the Ole Latham Sneaking Into Sold Out Movie Trick. What’s the Ole Latham Sneaking Into Sold Out Movie Trick, you say? That’s where I buy a ticket to a movie I don’t want to see, give the ticket stub to the ticket taker, and make a b-line to the sold out movie I do want to see. It works all the time. And it’s named after me because no one else has ever thought to do this before. Ever.

And so on Saturday I bought two tickets to Marie Antoinette (a movie both Niki or I really didn’t want to see) and planned to sneak into Borat (a movie we did really want to see). We even got there 30 minutes early to make sure our fool-proof plan would work. However, when we entered the theater, we realized it was going to be harder than we thought. The ticket taker was standing directly in front of the entrance to Borat. Plus Borat was on the bottom floor and Marie Antoinette was on the 2nd floor. So there was no way we could slip by the ticket taker. He looked at our tickets, pointed up, and informed us, “next floor.” So we begrugingly walked up the stairs.

But we didn’t give up there. Well Niki gave up. But I would have none of it. We had to somehow sneak down to the ground floor. On the second floor, I snooped around for an escape hatch or a back door leading down stairs. And I found it. It was an escalator that led to a section on the ground floor where nobody was around. I convinced Niki to take it with me and we explored around. We made our way to the opposite side of the entrance leading to Borat. It was roped off and we could see the ticket taker now with his back to us. In order to make it by, we would have to duck under the rope and slip behind the ticket taker without him seeing us. We debated if we should try it or not. It was agreed we should go for it. We staggered the starts so as not to cause attention to ourselves. I went first, and it was easier than I thought. The ticket taker didn’t notice me at all. I speed-walked to the theater and reserved two seats. A few minutes later….Niki made it! We were now safely inside Borat!

All in all Niki showed much bravery for going along with the Ole Latham Sneaking Into Sold Out Movie Trick, especially since we had to improvise a little this time around. I think Borat would have been very proud too. And by the way, the movie was hilarious. You should see it. I’d recommend it to anyone. Especially since technically I owe Borat $20. Sorry ’bout that, dude. But it looks like you’re doing fine. If there’s anybody who could use 20 bucks, it’d be Marie Antoinette.

Exactly one year ago to the day, I was in a SugaBabes music video on stilts. I posted my experience on this site here and launched a thousand wars with legions of angry fans of the girl group. I quickly learned how feisty these SugaBabes’ fanatics can be - especially with their use of lol.

This year (a year after hangin’ with magicians and sword swallowers at an abondoned warehouse in Brooklyn), I instead rubbed shoulders with the likes of Billy Baldwin and Bruce Willis at a Rolling Stones concert at the Beacon Theatre. AND I got paid for it. What?? How is that possible? Good question. I still don’t really get it. The concert was being filmed by Martin Scorsese for a documentary on the Stones. And they wanted some energetic fans up near the stage. That’s where I came in.

I found out about the gig from a Craigslist entry that read, “See the Stones at the Beacon TONITE and get paid $75!!” It sounded too good to be true, but I decided to respond anyway. Indeed it was true. All of us “audience members” were stationed right in front of the stage. If I got these tickets the normal way, I would’ve had to pay thousands of dollars. But they were paying me. Plus we were at the Beacon Theatre, a venue that only holds 2,000 people - by far the most intimate setting you’ll ever see the Stones play in.

Right before the show began, I looked back and saw a row of famous people standing behind me including Bruce Willis, Billy Baldwin, “Miami” Stevie Van Zandt, Kelly Lynch, Mitch Glazer (Kelly’s husband), Steve Bing (dude who knocked up Elizabeth Hurley), and Fisher Stevens (dude with funny accent in Short Circuit). Sorry fellas, I’ve got better seats than you.

Of course, the show itself was amazing. They played their standards - Jumpin’ Jack Flash, Shattered, Sympathy for the Devil, Tumbling Dice, Honky Tonk Women, Start Me Up, Satisfaction, Brown Sugar, etc. But they also played some lesser known gems like All Down the Line, Loving Cup (with Jack White), Far Away Eyes, Live With Me (with Christina Aquilera), You Got the Silver, and Champagne and Reefer (with Buddy Guy).   

Up close I noticed things I normally wouldn’t see at a concert. Mick basically carries the entire show on his back. But really Keith is the overall crowd favorite. Every time he’d stumble to the front of the stage, the crowd would chant, “Keeeeith!” Then he’d grin sheepishly like an old man on too much medication and wink at a girl in the front row. It was also funny to see Keith start up the beginning guitar licks for Tumbling Dice - probably before he supposed to. Mick was changing his shirt at the back of the stage and had to immediately run up to the front and start singing. But he made it in time and the band didn’t miss a beat.  

I wonder if Bruce Willis noticed that? Probably not since he was a whole two rows behind me! Ha! Take that Bruce! Maybe you should just give up on the Stones altogether if you’re gonna have shitty seats like that. There’s a band I can introduce you to. They call themselves the SugaBabes. lol…