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Or Hallow’s Eve. Or better yet, Halloween. The time of year to strap on tights, put on some face paint, and drink until you pass out in somebody’s bushes. Actually that’s every night for me. But I also like to blow it out on Halloween as well. This year, I’ve already celebrated good ole Hallow’s Eve once. A few days ago, Niki and I went to a Halloween costume party. Niki went as a hippie. And I went as a ninja. Only it was a ninja costume for a 10 year old that I had purchased at a Right Aid 20 minutes before the party. Somehow I managed to squeeze myself into the tight, lycra costume…only to have it rip apart as the night wore on.

I will also be celebrating Hallow’s Eve on the actual night it falls under. On Tuesday night, I will be performing in not one, but TWO shows at the UCB Theatre. The first one is called, The Demon Halloweenus. I will be making my best effort to impress the Demon with my talent of getting people PSYCHED. For the second show, called Children of the Corny, I will be playing Rev. Jim Jones from the Jonestown Massacre. So if you’re up for spreading the good Hallow’s Eve cheer, come check my ass out:

The Demon Halloweenus
Monday, October 31 at 8 pm
UCB Theatre
307 W. 26th Street
$5
Reservations

Children of the Corny
Monday, October 31 at 10 pm
UCB Theatre
307 W. 26th Street
$5
Reservations

With the help of one Will Hines*, I was able to link a few of my writing samples to my website. They are under the page titled Writing. The first one is a spec script for The Office. Don’t read that one unless you have plenty of time on your hands. If you do read it, you can tell that it is outdated, since I wrote it last spring. But I figured I’d post it here since I spent some time on it and I wouldn’t want all that work to go in vain.

The second writing sample is a sketch I wrote this summer that was supposed to be part of a packet I was going to send to SNL. That never happened. It’s called “Bush’s Documentary on Global Warming.”  I wrote it right after I had seen An Inconvenient Truth. I figured I would post it on my website since I know it’ll never get performed (mainly because I don’t own a jet-pack.)

So any writing sample I post on my site will most likely be something I know I’m not going to perform. Please check back to read some more stuff that will never see the light of day!

*Of note: If possible, I would avoid asking Will Hines to help you with your website. He practically tore me a new one when I asked him. (Actually that is a lie. But seriously, don’t ask him. He very well could tear you a new one.)

I was running late this morning. I was also in an angry mood. Luckily when I got to the subway, I saw a train coming right away. But my card wouldn’t work at the turnstile. I swiped it once. A message read, “PLEASE SWIPE AGAIN AT THIS TURNSTILE.” So I swiped it again. I got the same message as before. I looked up. The train was still there waiting for me with its doors wide open. I started cursing at the turnstile: “What the fuck?!! C’mon! Work!!!!” I kept swiping my card over and over again. Finally I got a message that read, “JUST USED.” I became furious. “What? This is bullshit!!!” I jumped over the turnstile, but my foot got caught in between two of the metal bars and I fell hard. I looked over to my right. An MTA worker was sitting in a booth staring back at me. I looked to my left. Amazingly, the train was still there.

So I picked myself up and made a quick run for it. Right as I got up to the train’s doors, they closed. I stuck my foot out. The doors closed on my foot, but did not re-open. So I stood there, stupidly, with my foot wedged in between two doors, as people inside the cars stared back at me. I became angry again. “C’mon!!! Open the doors!!!” But nobody did anything. My anger turned into embarrassment as I realized I was the sole cause for the delay of hundreds of passengers. I looked around to try to avoid the passengers’ eye contact. Finally the doors opened slightly. I moved my foot, and in an instant, the doors closed. It felt like the conductor was saying, “Ha-ha! Gotcha!” The train slowly started up and drifted past me. I waited for the next train.  

Yesterday I did some “extra” work for SNL. Generally I try to avoid being an extra because it’s a little demeaning and it’s sort of a waste of time – long hours sitting around doing nothing, when I could be doing something productive – like writing a useless post in my blog. But I will probably say “yes” if it’s “extra” work for something like SNL or Conan – because those are cool places to be. Also, for the SNL shoot, I sort of got upgraded to a closeup shot – whatever that means. So check out SNL this Saturday night. You may or may not see me in a commercial parody!

I’ve also been making appearances on Conan a few times here and there. Conan is not really “extra” work because usually you’re given an interesting role to play regardless if you have any dialogue or not. So far I’ve played:
-a frat guy egging on a binge drinking cobra to funnel beer
-a jock who knows just as much Star Wars trivia as a geek
-an office worker wearing a pin-striped speedo, along with a tie and black shoes
-a giant pinata
-Tom Cruise’s body double
-Matt Dillon’s body double
-Gene Simmons’ body double
-an Olympic torch runner
-Mr. Met (got cut)
-a hockey player
-a snow mobile operator
-a secret service guy guarding the Sears Tower dressed in Sears clothing
-and many more!

A few weeks ago I partipated in my favorite sketch so far. The premise of the sketch was that the show was interrupted by a rain delay. Along with fellow UCBer, Greg Burke, I played a stadium groundskeeper. Not only did I get to cover up Conan’s desk with a tarp and dance awkwardly to YMCA, but I also got to run a leaf blower on Conan’s hair. AND to top it off, I shared the stage with none other than Bob Costas. To view the sketch, go here and click on “WATCH VIDEO NOW.”

Okay, I just realized that the whole sketch cuts off short online, so you don’t get to see me run a leaf blower on Conan’s hair. But trust me, it happened.

I saw The Departed over the weekend. Good. Fackin’. Movie. Go. See. It.

Besides being highly entertaining, the movie also reminded me of two things:

1) Scorsese likes to use songs by The Rolling Stones.
2) Scorsese especially likes to use The Rolling Stones’ song, “Gimmie Shelter”.

Off hand I know he’s used it in Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed. And I’m sure he’s used it in other ones. But hey, I don’t blame him. It’s a good song. I wonder what the conversation was like getting the rights to the song:

Scorsese: Hey Mick, it’s Marty. I’m filming a new movie and I was wondering if I could-
Jagger: Say no more. You want the rights to Gimmie Shelter.
Scorsese: Oh…yeah… Wait, how’d you know?
Jagger: You’ve bloody used it in just about every single one of your fuckin’ movies. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. Hmmm…let’s see… Scorsese’s making a movie about the mob in South Boston. I wonder if he’s gonna use a Stones song? And I wonder if that song is gonna be Gimme Shelter???!! What’dya take me for? A fuckin’ idiot?
Scorsese: So I can use the song?
Mick: Yes. You can use it.
Scorsese: Oh good. Thanks Mick. One of these days I’ll give you a good part. I promise. I thought you were really good in Freejack.
Mick: Just leave it, Marty.

On Thursday, October 12th I will be performing in Atlanta at the Fox Theatre.

This is the same venue I saw Bob Dylan in concert when I was in 8th grade. Although my show won’t take place in the actual concert hall that seats several thousand people, it will still be in a giant ballroom inside the Fox that seats 400-600 people. Bottomline: it’ll be the biggest venue I’ve ever performed in (not counting Yankee Stadium). It’s so big, I might even get lost…

Plus the show will be for a good cause. It’s a fundraiser for Crossroads Community Ministries. So if you happen to be in the Atlanta area on October 12th, come on down. And if you have friends in the area, spread the word around. You can click here for more info and tickets.