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It’s hot out there, huh? That’s why I’ve come up with some nifty ways to beat the heat – in a little segment I like to call “Ways to Beat the Heat.” Here they are:

1. Layer Up. Wear Plenty of Clothing. This way, your skin can breathe easily under all of your heavy layers.
2. Stay Outdoors. Go ahead soak it all up outside. It’s not so bad out there. Show nature who’s boss.
3. Don’t Drink Plenty of Fluids. It’s a well known fact now that water is actually bad for you. So if you must drink something, drink beer or hot bourbon.
4. Run All of Your Errands Today – iron your clothes, cook a turkey, do your laundry (today’s the day, right?), etc. Just do anything to keep active.
5. Spend Plenty of Time in a NYC Subway Station. Get to know your local subway station. Once you’ve made it down inside the deep pits of subway station hell, now’s your time to look around and enjoy the sights. I’d give yourself at least a few hours to really scope the place out. Even if your train comes after waiting on the platform for what seems like an eternity, go ahead and wait some more.
6. Run Around Like a Crazy Person Outside. Some people call it exercise. I call it running around like a crazy person. Either way, make sure you do plenty of it outside. Then start breathing heavily and try to pass out if you can.
7. Get Booked on a Show as Jerry Foxworthy That’ll Require an Outfit Consisting of Jeans, a Velvet Jacket, a Long, Hairy Mullet Wig and a Thick Fake Mustache.
8. Breathe in as Much Smoke and Exhaust From Passing Trucks and Buses as Possible.
9. Pass Out Flyers for a Fast Food Chain Called “Gorilla Burgers” That Requires You to Wear a Gorilla Costume and Dance and Run Around Like a Crazy Person.
10. Go Driving with Mel Gibson.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 1st, 2006 at 10:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized.