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Whatever happened to the Friday Five O’Clock Whistle? I used to love this amazing phenomenon. The clock would strick five, the radio would play either Todd Rundgren’s “Bang the Drum All Day” or Loverboy’s “Everybody’s Working for the Weekend”, and office workers across the country would throw their computers against a wall. At least that was my experience. (Was I the only one doing this? Maybe that’s why I used to always get fired on a Friday?)

But really, the main reason this experience has changed is because Friday doesn’t mean anything anymore. Every day now sort of feels like a Tuesday. And worse, a Tuesday without the “Two For Tuesday” rock ballads getting cranked out by the likes of Zeppelin, Floyd, and the Stones on classic rock stations all over the country. Actually, maybe that’s the real reason for the decline in the Friday Five O’Clock Whistle? Nobody listens to the radio anymore. But regardless, I’m here to bring it back. Right now…So…uh, here goes…

(Train Whistle Plays) What time is it? It’s 5 o’ clock! Welcome to the Friday Five O’Clock Whistle!! Whew!! Take this job and shove it! Ya hear that Boss Johnson?! Or whatever you’re name is! Quit workin’ me like a dawg! It’s quittin’ time! Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend! Boss Johnson. Everybody’s going off the deepend! If you want a piece of my heart, you had better start from the start! You know why? Because I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my drum all day! Are you with me, Boss Johnson? I really don’t want to work. I would much prefer banging on my drum all the live long day! How do you like that?!! Huh?! I’ll bang on this drum like a frickin’ crazy person! What? There’s no drum set here? Well then, I’ll bang on this computer here! Ha! Check it out! I’m banging on it like crazy! Wait, you think I’m breaking the computer? Awww, is that so? Well how would you like it if I smashed it against this wall in front of me? Oh you wouldn’t like that? Well that’s too bad! Ha-ha! Here goes! (Smashes computer) Whew! Friday! 5 o’clock! (Long pause) What? Are you gonna fire me or something? Oh, you’re not? But I still have to clean this mess up? And I owe you a computer? O-kay. Sorry, ’bout that Boss Johnson. (Pause) Friday 5 O’Clock Whistle, huh?! Ain’t nuthin’ like it!!!!! (Jumps up Toyota-style and freezes in mid-air)
(Fade out on Loverboy guitar solo)

Also for those of you who are coming here to get the audio of the Friday Five O’Clock Whistle, I believe this link is the best audio file we have at this point (thanks to Ben below):

http://rapidshare.com/files/164007582/Friday_Work_Whistle.mp3

My phone broke. So on Saturday I went to my local Verizon store to get a new one. So did Knicks point guard, Stephon Marbury. The two of us bonded pretty hard. We both had to go through the same ole rigamorole: fill out this contract, show me your I.D., sign this autographed picture of yourself to give to my son, etc. Actually, the Verizon guy neglected to ask for my autograph. Another difference was that Stephon Marbury’s phone costs $470. Mine was $10. To lesson this discrepancy, I figured I should engage my fellow phone consumer in conversation.

Me: “Hey Stephon, I’m a fan of yours. I’m from Atlanta. I used to go see you play when you played for Georgia Tech.”
Stephon: “That’s cool. What brings you to New York?”
Me: “Well, I live here.”
Stephon: “What do you do?”
Me: “Um, well I’m sort of a comedian.”
Stephon: “Cool.”

Luckily he didn’t ask me to, “Say something funny.” (That’s what most people demand from me on the spot when I inform them that I’m a comedian.) And luckily for him, I didn’t ask him how everything was going with the Knicks. No need. We were way past all that. We had a deep bond that couldn’t be broken over such petty things. And down the road, we both had an understanding that if one of us had a tough game or a rough show, we could always just call each other. Stephon on his Bluetooth RAZR. And me on my oversized, clunker of a phone. And we could just talk it out. After all, it’d be free.

I’m on tour this summer. However, instead of traveling around Europe or the American Heartland, my tour will mainly be confined to the island of Manhattan – specifically lower Manhattan. If you haven’t seen my one-man character show, now’s your chance. And if you’re reading this from somewhere outside the Tri-State area, just fly on in. I’ll pay for your airfare*.

First I will be put up at the UCB Theatre. Here are the details for that:

Talent Show
Monday, July 10th at 8:00 pm
UCB Theatre
307 W. 26th Street
$5
Reservations

Theeeeeeen, I’ll be performing a special benefit show at Mo Pitkins. Details:

Rob Lathan’s Talent Show
Thursday, July 13th at 11:00 pm
Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction
34 Avenue A
$10
212-777-5660
Tickets

Also, I have numerous other shows that you can check out on the Shows link of my site. These include such shows at the upcoming Sketch Cram this Saturday night at midnight. Come check my ass out.

*I checked with my accountant, and I actually cannot afford to pay for your airfare. BUT I can afford to buy you a beer. How’s that?