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So I’m getting married in a few days. Huh? You? Yep. Me. I’m definitely excited of course. All wedding’s are fun. Especially your own. But there’s still one thing people dread about weddings: giving toasts. That’s because most people hate speaking in public. I don’t really mind speaking in public. But there’s still a lot of pressure involved here. Not only am I known as “the comedian”, but I’m also going up right after my Dad who is making his toast as a singing Elvis in a full jump suit. So I’ve got to somehow out-do that.

Of course in trying to come up with a good one, I’ve only thought of really bad toasts. Here they are:

1) Bride Idol- I do my patented Simon Cowell impression and do a little “skit” called Bride Idol where I rate all of the other Bridesmaids in a really cruel way. But when I get to my bride to be, I say, “You’re pretty good. You win. You get to marry me.”

2) Speed Eater - In one minute I try eat all of the unfinished food off all of the guests’ plates. At the end, with mashed potatoes and gravy dripping from my face, I exclaim “I couldn’t quite do it. But guess what? This wedding isn’t happening until I complete my task.” So then I keep trying to eat the rest of the food in one minute until either a)I do it successfully or b) everybody leaves.

3) Get Psyched Guy - I play “One Shining Moment” on my boombox, while jumping up and down and yelling “Get Psyched!” This actually might be a good idea.

4) The “Oh No He Di’nt’!” Bit - At the end of a very sentimental toast I announce to the guests, “I’d like to end my toasts by doing this.” And then I drop my drawers, while one of my drunk groomsmen grabs the mike and says, “Oh no he di’nt!”

5) Retard Elvis - To try and one-up my Dad I too perform as Elvis, except my Elvis is mentally retarded.

Anybody got any other “bad idea toasts” I could do?

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 24th, 2006 at 12:52 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.