roblathan.com

So I’m getting married in a few days. Huh? You? Yep. Me. I’m definitely excited of course. All wedding’s are fun. Especially your own. But there’s still one thing people dread about weddings: giving toasts. That’s because most people hate speaking in public. I don’t really mind speaking in public. But there’s still a lot of pressure involved here. Not only am I known as “the comedian”, but I’m also going up right after my Dad who is making his toast as a singing Elvis in a full jump suit. So I’ve got to somehow out-do that.

Of course in trying to come up with a good one, I’ve only thought of really bad toasts. Here they are:

1) Bride Idol- I do my patented Simon Cowell impression and do a little “skit” called Bride Idol where I rate all of the other Bridesmaids in a really cruel way. But when I get to my bride to be, I say, “You’re pretty good. You win. You get to marry me.”

2) Speed Eater - In one minute I try eat all of the unfinished food off all of the guests’ plates. At the end, with mashed potatoes and gravy dripping from my face, I exclaim “I couldn’t quite do it. But guess what? This wedding isn’t happening until I complete my task.” So then I keep trying to eat the rest of the food in one minute until either a)I do it successfully or b) everybody leaves.

3) Get Psyched Guy - I play “One Shining Moment” on my boombox, while jumping up and down and yelling “Get Psyched!” This actually might be a good idea.

4) The “Oh No He Di’nt’!” Bit - At the end of a very sentimental toast I announce to the guests, “I’d like to end my toasts by doing this.” And then I drop my drawers, while one of my drunk groomsmen grabs the mike and says, “Oh no he di’nt!”

5) Retard Elvis - To try and one-up my Dad I too perform as Elvis, except my Elvis is mentally retarded.

Anybody got any other “bad idea toasts” I could do?

Has anybody been listening to Gnarls Barkley lately?

These guys are dope. But I must admit I’m really more of fan of the hip-hop group, Gnevin McHale. I’m telling you, Gnevin totally rocks. They’ve got some killer beats.

And if you really wanna take it to a new level, check out Gnakeem Olajuwon. I saw them in Philly a few months ago and it was off the hook.

And then of course, if you’re really feeling adventurous, there’s GnGreg Ostertag. Those dudes are completely insane in the membrane.

Of course, neither of these groups have anything to do with NBA players from the 80’s and 90’s. It’s just a weird coincidence.

If you ever need a quick fill in for a back, I’m your man.

Yesterday I got a call on my land-line at 8:30 in the morning. Now nobody ever calls me on my land-line because nobody knows the number. The only people that do call are telemarketers. But I got out of bed and answered the phone anyway. And it’s a good thing I did.
Me: (Sleepily) Hello?
Woman: Yes, is this Rob Lathan?
Me: (Still waking up) Yes.
Woman: This is Comedy Central. We need you for a promo we’re filming. The guy we have now can’t do it. Can you fill in for him?
Me: Okay.
Woman: How does your back look?
Me: Fine. I guess. (I should have said, “Amazing”.)
Woman: Good. Can you come to Greenpoint, Brooklyn right away?
Me: Okay.

And so I did. I got there approximately 30 minutes after hanging up the phone. I was pretty impressed with myself. The good people at Comedy Central said they had searched for my contact info for 30 minutes before they found it. They even google’d my name and stumbled upon my website, which only led them to useless, long-winded rants and no contact info. So it might be time for me to add my contact info on this site. Look for that to come out soon. Exciting stuff, huh?

Back to the promo. It was definitely worth getting out of bed for. I won’t give anything away about it. But it basically involved me getting my back waxed in a strange way. And for that I had tons of glue and fake hair dumped on my back…which now won’t come off. I took 4 showers. But there’s still glue and fake hair on my back. Niki even tried nail remover and still no dice. I guess I was meant to have fake back hair all along. Maybe I’ll just start a new look. And Malcolm Gladwell can write a chapter about me in his new book. That’s my goal. That, and being the most successful back-double in showbiz.

Yesterday I ventured over to a Temp Agency to try and scare up some work for me. I spent about 5 hours taking these elaborate tests in Excel, PowerPoint, Word, Outlook, etc. I remember doing these tests about 8 years ago when I first starting temping, but man oh man, they’ve gotten hard. I don’t think I did very well. Not only was I already slow out of the gate, but my contacts popped out in the middle of the Outlook test. So I couldn’t really see very well. And I think the 22 year old girl next to me did a little better than me, judging from her insanely fast typing and her shout-outs of “Yes! Perfect 100!” After I was done getting crushed by the 22 year old in the Microsoft Office 2006 Olympics, the owner of the Temp Agency called me in and informed me they might have a job for me answering the phones for 6 different Time Warner Execs at the same time. But she told me I seemed too laid back and needed to speak faster. And she added, “Plus you need to get those Outlook scores up!”

Is this what I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life?

Sadly, Premiere Radio Networks, the place that was sending me out for those radio spots, folded. I don’t THINK I was the cause of its demise, but ya never know. Maybe I was. The woman who ran PRN, was kind enough to give me a bunch of contacts at various radio stations all over the country. So I contacted just about all of them. Most of them never got back to me. But yesterday I did receive an email from a radio station in Hartford, Connecticutt asking if I could do a Tom Cruise impression. I replied with an emphatic “yes”, even though I’ve never really done “TC” before. The Hartford DJ said they couldn’t really pay me for it, but would try to “hook me up” with other CBS radio stations across the country. And so I called up the radio station and did my best “Cruise” for ‘em. Since I wasn’t getting paid, I didn’t really care whether or not I sounded anything like The Cruise. But I think I did an okay job. I basically just sounded over-enthusiastic while mentioning Katie, Suri, MI-III, and of course, Scientology. I did slip up at one point by giving a shout out to my “nutritionalist”. But hey, maybe The Cruise actually has a “nutrionalist”. Ya never know with those Hollywood types.
Either way, here’s hoping the Hartford station calls me up tomorrow and asks me to do my best C. Thomas Howell impression for them.. for free.