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This morning I did my patented Simon Cowell impression for another radio station. It couldn’t have gone worse. The call was at 7 am, and since I’m not exactly a morning person, I probably didn’t sound very chipper. It also didn’t help that the DJ at the radio station didn’t prepare me for what he was going to ask. Add to that the fact I didn’t watch last night’s episode and we’ve got a recipe for disaster on our hands.

So here’s how it all transpired….

DJ:”Okay listeners, we’ve got Simon Cowell on the line with us now. Hello Simon.”
Me (trying with all my might to sound British): “Hello I’m Simon Cowell.”
DJ: “Simon, it sounds like you have a cold.”
Me: “Um… yes that’s true.” (I don’t have a cold. But remember… not a morning person.)
DJ: “Okay. Well which two singers are your favorites?”
(This is when I start to panic. Not one name comes to mind. What should I say? Clay Aiken? William Hung? I quickly log onto the American Idol website while I’m stalling for time and shout out the first two names I see.)
Me: “Ummm…let’s see…I’ll have to go with…. Taylor Hicks and Kellie Pickler.” (Then I don’t know what happens. Either I traveled to another dimension in time. Or the DJ was deliberately messing with me.)
DJ: “They’re not on American Idol.”
Me: “Yes they are.” (I see they’re faces right in front of me.)
DJ: “Not the one I watched.” (Maybe he’s talking about last night’s episode?)
Me: “Oh.”
DJ: “Moving on, what did you think of the new guy Chris?” (Or whatever his name is.)
Me: “Um…” (I have no clue who they’re talking about, but I’ve got to wing it) “…well in a word: dreadful.”
DJ: “Really? You think he was dreadful?”
Me: “Yes he was absolutely, positively dreadful. The worst I’ve ever seen. He will never, ever, ever be a singer.”
DJ: (Laughing) “Well we’ve got Chris in the studio with us right now.”
Me: “Oh.”

And then I sort of blacked out. But I think they asked me if I was on the same medication as Paula Abdul. And the new guy, Chris, probably shouted back at me. And finally the call ended and I was put out of my misery. And if the real Simon Cowell had seen it all go down he would have easily summed it up in one work: dreadful.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 5th, 2006 at 8:32 am and is filed under Uncategorized.