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The short film I was in as part of the 48 Hour Film Project, called “Valuble Things”, was screened this past Wednesday at Landmark’s Sunshine Cinema. It went well. The short had an amazing crew on board for such a low budget including stylists, cinematographers, lighting guys, sound guys, boom mic operators, PA’s, caterers, dogs, real live producers, the editor Chris Davis, the director John Papola, and a crazy old woman who lived in the basement of the house where we shot in Amityville, Long Island. The cast included Rob Schneider’s daughter, Ed Norton’s stunt double, an actor named James (who could’ve been my stunt double) and me. Check it out here:

Valuable Things

I play the dumb window washer. I think I’m pretty good at playing dumb window washers. Maybe I should do it more often.

And hey, this just in…. “Valuable Things” won the Audience Award at the 48 Film Project. Congrats to everyone especially Lisa Versaci Papola, John Papola, Heidi Tannenbaum, both Chris’s on board and of course my fellow actors.

I think I’m gonna go ahead and retire. No point in getting a real job if no one will hire me. And I see no reason to book a commercial or get a writing gig. So I figure it’s time for me to simply hang it up. It’s sort of like what the former Letterman writer, Rodney Rothman, wrote about in his entertaining memoir about early retirement called Early Bird. Only he “retired” early because he was overworked and needed a break. I don’t need a break. And I’m definitely not overworked. I usually average about 1-2 hours of actual work a week. But I’m at the point now where I’ve seen what’s out there and I figure it’s not for me. If they don’t like what I’m about, then fuck ‘em. I’ll show ‘em. I’ll retire! Plus, I figure it’s probably a good idea to retire a month before I get married. I’ve already saved up enough cash to last until at least May 1st. And as for when that runs out, no need to worry about that. I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. I can always move to Florida and write a book about my life… if I ever get around to it.

I had a busy Saturday, which I like (especially since I spend most of my days now staring into space and twiddling with my thumbs). But this Saturday was especially crazy. First I wake up at 6 in the morn. to travel to Amytiville, Long Island to be apart of the 48 Hour Film Festival. There was a large crew on hand totalling at least 20 people and even a stunt guy who is going to be Ed Norton’s stund double in an upcoming movie. I played a bumbling window washer, a role I was born to play. I also got to do a few scenes opposite Rob Schneider’s 16 year old daughter. The short film will be screening at Sunshine Cinema this Wednesday night at 9:15 so come check it out if you’d like.

As I tend to do I over extended myself this Saturday. Because not only was I doing this short film in Amityville, Long Island but I was also in a play that very same night at 8 pm. So at 6:30 I quickly take off my window washer gear and high tail it back to Manhattan. My train gets into Penn Station at 8 pm (remember the play is supposed to start now). It’s pouring down rain so I race up 8th Avenue looking for a cab. I hail one down get in and tell the guy to book it to 52nd street. But there is bumper to bumper traffic. The cab travels 10 blocks in 20 minutes while I’m cursing up a storm. Finally I get out at 8th Avenue and 52nd street at 8:25 only to realize the play is on 52nd between 10th and 11th Avenues. So I sprint to the theatre in the pouring rain and get there by 8:30 (30 minutes late). Luckily we weren’t the first play to go up. The play was part of the Flarf Festival. And so right after I change into my new costume, the other two actors and I immediately hit the stage. Mitch Magee was in the audience. He was probably surprised to see me playing a dumb show clown in this crazy play. But the audience did seem to get a kick out of it. The other two actors did a fine job. And I had a long monologue at the end of the play where I spout out huge chunks of nonsensical dialogue, which I ended up getting right believe it or not.

Once the play was done I high tail it back (in the rain again) to my apartment to meet Niki, who had just flown back from Arizona. We have a little wine, some pizza. And then I crash hard. Another day, another dollar. Only I still haven’t figured out how to earn that dollar.

I now realize I can title any picture of mine as “Hey Dork” and it’ll work.

So anyway I played Moses last night at a Seder show at Mo Pitkins. Basically my bit was the standard Latham routine of “character telling jokes about how his arch nemisis totally blows”. In this case Moses’ jokes were directed at Pharoah. Very cutting stuff. And topical too. I wore a bath robe, a grey wig, a big bushy white beard and held a giant staff. Here’s a picture of me getting ready backstage:

Hey Dork

We actually did two shows. One at 6:30. And one at 9:30. All of the other performers were really funny. Me and this girl named Lang were the only two non-Jews. But the rest of the Jew-cast actually accepted us into their Seder world in their own Jewwy kind of way, which I don’t know what that means. Besides the show, we got free food, free wine and even got paid $20. Eighty more of these shows and I’ll be able to pay this month’s rent.

Yesterday I got my taxes done at a place in Brooklyn called Joe’s Taxes. It’s not related at all to Joe’s Pizza. But that would be cool if it was. They should totally combine the two, so you could eat pizza while somebody did your taxes. Maybe I’ll start something like that up. Call it Joe’s Pizza and Taxes.

Anyway, I think the guy who did my taxes was the son of Joe, the owner. And he was definitely what I’d like to call a “Hot Shot Accountant”. He was eating a hot stromboli sandwich the entire time he went through my taxes. And he continued to eat while he asked me about items I could deduct. Joe Jr.: “Take any classes?” Me: “Yeah”. Joe Jr. (takes bite): “How ’bout travelin’ expenses? Did ya fly anywhere?” Me: “Yeah a little bit.” Joe Jr.: “Good. Good.” (takes bite) He never wrote any of this info down or typed anything into his computer. He just kept on eating and keeping it all in his head. Finally at the end he said, “All right, here’s your final number. If you didn’t go with me, you’d owe the Government $1,200. But because you did go through me, the Government owes you $50.” I have no idea how he came up with that number, but I’ll take his word for it. He was that good.

The NY State Taxes was a different story. I now owe NY State $900. Joe Jr.:”Yeah, can’t help you with those. Ya gotta put zeroes in there when ya fillin’ out ya W4. Ya can’t be puttin’ ones down! Look at all these ones! That’s when the goverment screws ya!” I always feel stupid in these situations. “Why did I put a one down? Man, I’m such an idiot!” But if I learned anything, it was that taxes are basically arbitrary. It seems like you can just put down whatever number you want. That’s why having a slice of pizza would be nice while you filled out your taxes. Or a hot stromboli sandwich.

This morning I did my patented Simon Cowell impression for another radio station. It couldn’t have gone worse. The call was at 7 am, and since I’m not exactly a morning person, I probably didn’t sound very chipper. It also didn’t help that the DJ at the radio station didn’t prepare me for what he was going to ask. Add to that the fact I didn’t watch last night’s episode and we’ve got a recipe for disaster on our hands.

So here’s how it all transpired….

DJ:”Okay listeners, we’ve got Simon Cowell on the line with us now. Hello Simon.”
Me (trying with all my might to sound British): “Hello I’m Simon Cowell.”
DJ: “Simon, it sounds like you have a cold.”
Me: “Um… yes that’s true.” (I don’t have a cold. But remember… not a morning person.)
DJ: “Okay. Well which two singers are your favorites?”
(This is when I start to panic. Not one name comes to mind. What should I say? Clay Aiken? William Hung? I quickly log onto the American Idol website while I’m stalling for time and shout out the first two names I see.)
Me: “Ummm…let’s see…I’ll have to go with…. Taylor Hicks and Kellie Pickler.” (Then I don’t know what happens. Either I traveled to another dimension in time. Or the DJ was deliberately messing with me.)
DJ: “They’re not on American Idol.”
Me: “Yes they are.” (I see they’re faces right in front of me.)
DJ: “Not the one I watched.” (Maybe he’s talking about last night’s episode?)
Me: “Oh.”
DJ: “Moving on, what did you think of the new guy Chris?” (Or whatever his name is.)
Me: “Um…” (I have no clue who they’re talking about, but I’ve got to wing it) “…well in a word: dreadful.”
DJ: “Really? You think he was dreadful?”
Me: “Yes he was absolutely, positively dreadful. The worst I’ve ever seen. He will never, ever, ever be a singer.”
DJ: (Laughing) “Well we’ve got Chris in the studio with us right now.”
Me: “Oh.”

And then I sort of blacked out. But I think they asked me if I was on the same medication as Paula Abdul. And the new guy, Chris, probably shouted back at me. And finally the call ended and I was put out of my misery. And if the real Simon Cowell had seen it all go down he would have easily summed it up in one work: dreadful.

At 6:45 am this morning I did a Simon Cowell impersonation for a radio station in Minneapolis. Now some of you may be saying, “But Rob, you don’t do a Simon Cowell impersonation.” That’s a good point. I don’t do a Simon Cowell impersonation. But this morning I did do one. Or at least tried to.

The radio bit was called “Baby Idol” and I of course judged the babies rather harshly in my textbook “Cowell” way. Here’s a little sampling of how my Simon Cowell impersonation went down:
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(In British accent)
“David these babies are without a doubt some of the ugliest babies I’ve seen in my life.”
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Pretty good, right?