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The Blizzard of 2006 set many records. Namely for the most times used as an excuse by New Yorkers to stay in and watch TV. It also set a record for the most snowfall ever recorded in one day in New York City. 27 inches in fact. But in reality, the Blizzard of ‘06 pales in comparisons to other blizzards of the past. First there was the Blizzard of 1888. We all remember that one. That was some blizzard. Even though it only totalled 21 inches of accumulation, snow was much smaller back then. In the those days, an average snowflake was roughly half the size of a snowflake today. So if you take that into account, the Blizzard of 1888 would have completely annihilated New York City by today’s standards.

Then there was the Blizzard of 1941. That was when some jerk-off decided to shake up his New York City Snow Globe in a really violent way simply because he thought it would be funny. So what if he was a giant and we were little people trapped inside of a Snow Globe? That doesn’t excuse him from being a big fat asswipe. Not only did every single person working in the fake Empire State Building get slammed up against a wall, but also anybody walking outside received massive head wounds from the huge wads of fake snow pelting down at them. Hey Giant Turd-Brain, a little word to the wise, next time you wanna see snow flutter around a fake skyline of New York City, just give it a gentle shake.

And we can’t forget about the Blizzard of 1996. That was when a Blizzard machine from a local Dairy Queen in Jersey City malfunctioned and began pumping out an obscene amount of Blizzard ice cream. When all was said and done, all five Boroughs were covered with at least two feet of the popular dessert. In order to get to work, people had to eat their way through mounds of soft serve ice cream blended with toppings of Heath Bar Crunch, Oreos, and Reeses Pieces. All was well, until health problems such as obesity and tooth decay set in, prompting Mayor Giuliani to issue a State of Emergency and to call in Competitive Eater Eddie “Quick Jaw” McConky to take care of the problem. Thankfully “Quick Jaw” quickly slurped down all of the remaining Blizzard ice cream in one sitting. And the streets of New York City were safe once again.

And that my friends is a brief history of blizzards in New York City. Check back next time when I give you a brief history of heat waves in New York City (that’s when the song by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas is played and everybody starts dancing on their fire escapes.)

This entry was posted on Monday, February 13th, 2006 at 2:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized.