Archive for February, 2006

Zen and the Art of Karaoke

Monday, February 27th, 2006

Believe it or not there is a science to good karaoke. It’s all about picking the right song for the right audience. Now I do not possess this ability. But I do know someone who in fact does. His name is Karaoke Kevin (or Karaoke Kev for short). And he can pick the perfect karaoke song to be sung for any occasion. He’s sort of like the guys in City Slickers who have the power to pick the perfect ice cream flavor for any meal.

I must say, however, that Karaoke Kev also can’t himself but behave in the same arrogant manner as those guys in City Slickers. So make sure your dilemma is urgent. One time I called him up to ask him for karaoke advice and I got this response:
Karaoke Kev: “Well what’s the occasion?”
Me: “It’s an office party for somebody who’s leaving.”
Karaoke Kev: “And what’s the guy-girl ratio?”
Me: “Probably 2-1 girls to guys”.
Karaoke: “A scoop of Journey. A scoop of Lionel Richie. Don’t waste my time.”
(Then he hung up.)

But another time it was a more urgent matter. I was at a karaoke bar in Chinatown and I was simply at a loss for what song I should sing. It was a really important event in which a lot of karaoke talent scouts and other “industry” people were in the audience. Desperately I phoned Karaoke Kev and asked for his advice. Karaoke Kev paused for what seemed like ages and then said these words to me, “When in doubt, go with Seger”.

And so I did. I sang the Bob Seger classic, “Katmandu” to a rousing ovation. It was, without a doubt, THE hit of the night. So whenever you’re in a bind to pick out the perfect karaoke song, I’d take that advice to heart: “When in doubt, go with Seger”.

Freedom of Speech

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

I can put anything here. And it won’t really matter. Like I could put, “Up yours”, and nobody would get all that mad. Like watch here:

Up Yours!

See? Did anybody flip out or anything?

Or what if I did this?

Fuckinshit’laksjfl;askjf;lkasjgf;sakljflksafjfjkdouchebagass;lkjflaksjf;lkasjfjohnson!

Sorry I had to get that out. I don’t know. Maybe a few people got mad. But not enough to start a riot.

Even if I did this, it probably wouldn’t cause that much damage:

Gary Gnu

Pretty cool, right? That’s the beauty of this country. And the internet.

Presidential Trivia

Monday, February 20th, 2006

Since it is President’s Day, I figured I’d give you some interesting facts about our country’s Presidents in a little segment I like to call….”Little Known Presidential Facts”. Here goes:

“Little Known Presidential Facts”
1. After serving two terms, Andrew Jackson retired to the mountains of Tennessee and created his own Paintball League.
2. George Washington had an extensive collection of giant Afro wigs. Though he’d only wear them out to special occasions, such as ’70’s Parties.
3. William Henry Harrison had a “trick” knee he’d always complain about.
4.Thomas Jefferson to this day still holds the Guinness Book of World Records for running a mile backwards with a time of 6 minutes and 13 seconds.
5. Grover Cleveland was terrified of clowns.
6. William Jefferson Clinton was in a Procul Harum cover band in college.
7. The “S” in Harry S Truman actually stands for “Sssssss” (like the sound one would make when saying “S” out loud).
8. Rutherford B. Hayes always referred to himself in the 3rd person. Like, “Rutherford B. Hayes don’t like that Senate bill! Rutherford B. Hayes best B. makin’ sure it don’t pass!”
9. William Howard Taft was a popular pro-wrestler in the Mexican League. Both before and after he served as President.
10. Warren G. Harding came up with the popular jingle, “Who’s that kid with the Oreo Cookie?”
11. Lyndon B. Johnson and his wife, Lady Bird, used to snuggle together during times of crisis.
12. George W. Bush was the San Diego Chicken for 3 years in the late ’70’s.
13. Abraham Lincoln could dunk a basketball.
14. Gerald Ford used to annoy his aides when he’d interrupt important meetings to practice his air-guitar.
15. Franklin Delano Roosevelt won a gold medal in the javelin during the 1932 Wheelchair Olympics.
16. Richard M. Nixon used to shoot tourists who happened to be walking by the White House with his Red Rider BB-Gun just to “fuck with them a little”.
17. George H.W. Bush can give a mean back-rub.
18. Millard Fillmore founded the famous concert hall, The Fillmore West. But not The Fillmore East. That was founded by his brother, Gary Fillmore.
19. Jimmy Carter has won the Baja 500 Off-Road Challenge four years in a row.
20. Ronald Reagan was an actor before he became President.

A History of Blizzards in NYC

Monday, February 13th, 2006

The Blizzard of 2006 set many records. Namely for the most times used as an excuse by New Yorkers to stay in and watch TV. It also set a record for the most snowfall ever recorded in one day in New York City. 27 inches in fact. But in reality, the Blizzard of ‘06 pales in comparisons to other blizzards of the past. First there was the Blizzard of 1888. We all remember that one. That was some blizzard. Even though it only totalled 21 inches of accumulation, snow was much smaller back then. In the those days, an average snowflake was roughly half the size of a snowflake today. So if you take that into account, the Blizzard of 1888 would have completely annihilated New York City by today’s standards.

Then there was the Blizzard of 1941. That was when some jerk-off decided to shake up his New York City Snow Globe in a really violent way simply because he thought it would be funny. So what if he was a giant and we were little people trapped inside of a Snow Globe? That doesn’t excuse him from being a big fat asswipe. Not only did every single person working in the fake Empire State Building get slammed up against a wall, but also anybody walking outside received massive head wounds from the huge wads of fake snow pelting down at them. Hey Giant Turd-Brain, a little word to the wise, next time you wanna see snow flutter around a fake skyline of New York City, just give it a gentle shake.

And we can’t forget about the Blizzard of 1996. That was when a Blizzard machine from a local Dairy Queen in Jersey City malfunctioned and began pumping out an obscene amount of Blizzard ice cream. When all was said and done, all five Boroughs were covered with at least two feet of the popular dessert. In order to get to work, people had to eat their way through mounds of soft serve ice cream blended with toppings of Heath Bar Crunch, Oreos, and Reeses Pieces. All was well, until health problems such as obesity and tooth decay set in, prompting Mayor Giuliani to issue a State of Emergency and to call in Competitive Eater Eddie “Quick Jaw” McConky to take care of the problem. Thankfully “Quick Jaw” quickly slurped down all of the remaining Blizzard ice cream in one sitting. And the streets of New York City were safe once again.

And that my friends is a brief history of blizzards in New York City. Check back next time when I give you a brief history of heat waves in New York City (that’s when the song by Martha Reeves and the Vandellas is played and everybody starts dancing on their fire escapes.)

Boring! Boring! Boring!

Friday, February 10th, 2006

I think a bunch of basketball fans are chanting this while watching my life. It’s late in the day, I’m supposed to make an important decision, but I just stand there not doing anything.

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And the fans are going crazy, they can’t believe how boring my day is.

Fans ChantingBoo! C’mon Latham! Do something! Borrrrrrrrrrinnnng!

Then bizzarely Bill Walton starts commentating on my life.

Bill Walton
“What a horrendous display of effort put forth by Latham. Why did he even bother getting out of bed this morning? What’s he going to do now? Maybe check his email for the 43rd time? Or scroll through some worthless websites? What a waste of time! Will he ever venture out of the apartment today? I don’t think so.”

Crampin’

Thursday, February 9th, 2006

That’s going to be the title of my next movie. Not sure what it’s gonna be about. But at least I know the title.

Me and Oprah Down By the Schoolyard

Monday, February 6th, 2006

I think I’m gonna write a Memoir about growing up with Oprah. Just about all of it will be true. Except the part about how me and Oprah used to smoke crack everyday under the schoolyard jungle gym.* Here’s the cover of the book:

Book Cover

I bet it will sell pretty well. Or at least be in Oprah’s Book Club.

*Actually that’s what the entire memoir is about.

Talent Show Flyer

Wednesday, February 1st, 2006

Mitch Magee made a sweet-ass flyer for my show called Talent Show. Check out the front:

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I got the grey wig for my basketball coach character so I could sort of resemble Bobby Knight, but I think it ended up making me look like a cross between Timothy Leary, Gallagher and John Wayne Gacy. Also of note: if you look closely you can tell that the shirt I’m wearing is covered with milk that had exploded in my prop box. Here’s the back side of the flyer:

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I think the flyer will more than serve its purpose and that is to get people’s attention and get people in the seats. And by “people” I mean YOU. So please come to the show. Info:

Talent Show
UCB Theatre
307 West 26th (and 8th Ave)
Saturdays 7:30
$5