No, I Will Not Declare Early For the NFL Draft

January 10th, 2006

No, I will not declare early for the NFL Draft. So please stop trying to convince me that I should. Really. Please. Stop. Enough is enough. I’ve made up my mind. It wouldn’t make sense at this stage in the game for me to go early. There are a number of reasons why I should wait another year before I “test the waters”:

1. I don’t think I’m ready.
-I could probably use a little more experience playing organized football. Afterall I have never actually played football on the collegiate level. I’ve spent the last few years studying and performing improv comedy, in which I’ve learned to always “yes and” my scene partner. It’s been a great experience for me. But it probably wouldn’t help much in the NFL.

2. I’m not very fast.
-My 40 yard dash time is 5.9. Reggie Bush runs about a 4.2. If I tried to guard him, he’d probably run right by me. So I wouldn’t be a very good defensive back. And if I lined up at receiver I wouldn’t be much of a deep threat. You could always try throwing to me from 5 yards away, but I’d probably miss it. Or my hands would break. Why do people want me to declare early for the NFL? I don’t understand this.

3. I’m not very strong.
-Yes I did recently sign up for a one-year membership to Crunch gym. But that doesn’t mean I should jump on the NFL bandwagon right away. Let’s say I was a starting center and I was supposed to snap the ball to the quarterback and then block Warren Sapp. I couldn’t do that. First off, the ball would never make it to the quarterback. And secondly, Warren Sapp would literally kill me. I would die right there on the field. So whoever is trying to get me to go Pro early is being absolutely ridiculous. Really.

4. Not many scouts know who I am.
-Like I said earlier I have never played college football. So probably no scout or GM has ever heard of me. I’ve never heard Mel Kiper Jr. mention my name as a possible 1st or 2nd round draft pick. I mean why would he? Where would he have heard of me? The simple answer is he wouldn’t have. So it’s really stupid to think that I would be a high draft pick this year. Completely stupid.

5. I wouldn’t be able to make it to any games anyway.
-Every Sunday from 2:30-5:30 I have improv practice. So unless the game is at 8 o’clock at night, and in the Tri-State area, I’m probably not going to make it to any games. So why would an NFL team pay me millions of dollars to be on their team when I’m not going to be there anyway? That’d be really idiotic of them.

So sorry to dissappoint you. It’s just not gonna happen. No, I will NOT declare early for the NFL draft.
(But just out of curiosity, does anybody know where I’d go? I think someone had me going to Kansas City in the 2nd round.)

9 Responses to “No, I Will Not Declare Early For the NFL Draft”

  1. Zach Says:

    Start practicing!

  2. Lathan Says:

    Holy schnikies! Zach is right. I better start practicing. Mel Kiper Jr. has me going in the 3rd round as a fullback. He must’ve been watching some of my flag football games or something. Check it out:

  3. Future brother-in-law Genetos Says:

    I thought about declaring early for pre-school, but my agent thought that the “record” (unsubstantiated) of glue-eating would drop me to the 4th round. And I never understood why the “wheels on the bus go ’round and ’round”.

  4. Lathan Says:

    That’s probably for the best. It was never confirmed whether or not the glue-eating record was legit. But I believed it.

  5. Mike Nolan: Head Coach of the San Francisco 49ers Says:

    Hello. I’m the head coach of the San Francisco 49ers and I’d like you to reconsider your decision. As you might know, the 49ers have a legendary history filled with glory and triumph. We’ve won 5 Super Bowls which is a record I believe. Unfortunately our franchise has totally unraveled in the last several years. Now we stink. With your 5.9 time in the 40 you could be, by my estimation, the 17th fastest guy on our squad (including lineman). With the draft coming up, whether you like it or not, we intend to draft you in the 8th round. We haven’t yet decided which position to play you at (we are leaning toward field goal placeholder) but we have a prettty good feeling that your “yes anding” skills may be enough to justify what will certainly be cosidered an unorthodox draft pick. We really can’t get any worse. But we could stand to get a lot more spontaneous. Get ready to strap it on big guy! You’re gonna be drafted!!

  6. Lathan Says:

    Awesome! Thanks Mike Nolan! That would be sweet if the 49ers drafted me. I’d be happy to be a field goal placeholder or whatever position you need me at. Niners here I come!

    P.S. Can’t wait to see this year’s training video!

  7. Mike Nolan: Head Coach of the San Francisco 49ers Says:

    Now THAT”S what I call grit! That’s what I call gusto! We were testing you. Hell, Latham, the way our number one pick Alex Smith stumbled around the gridiron spasmodically at QB for us this year, we not limit you to a season of resting on a knee, holding the pigskin for some retired eastern european soccer player to caromb off the uprights. We might even pencil you in at 4th string Quarterback. Whaddya think of that? *No strings attatched.

    *We would like you to direct this year’s training video, however.

  8. Lathan Says:

    That’d be perfect. Pencil me in! I can throw a Nerf Football really far so hopefully the league will be cool with me bringing a Nerf onto the field.

  9. Mike Nolan: Head Coach of the San Francisco 49ers Says:

    That’s gonna take a whole lotta sting pullin’ buddy. We’ll have to run it by Tagliabue. We might just have you prowl the sidlines with a clipboard instead. You can keep track of defensive formations and help me write my half-time speeches. Hopefully, you’re in the middle of vigorous off-season training as we speak. We’re talking about an 8th round pick here! Don’t make us look silly.

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