roblathan.com

The past few weeks have been great for me since I’ve been unemployed. I usually get up out of bed at around, well I don’t really keep track of the time so I don’t really know, maybe 11? Then I grab a coffee. And now I’m ready to tackle the day. Then I usually sit around and contemplate what I should do next. Here’s what usually transpires then:

Sometimes I set up a “To Do” list. I might try to follow it, I might not. It’s fun sometimes just to improvise. If I want to take a shower I can. But I don’t have to. Then I try to figure out what to do next. After a few “What should I do?” back and forths with myself, it’s time for lunch. I’m on a budget so it’s usually Chunky’s soup and a PB&J. I like to eat on my TV tray and see what’s on, but usually there’s not much on. So I put in a DVD. After about 10 minutes I realize I’ve already seen this episode of Arrested Development. So I skip to the next episodes and watch them.

Then it’s back to the bed for more brainstorming and maybe check the “To Do” list again. Then dinner on the TV tray. And now, finally I can go get a six pack. From there, there’s no telling what’s going to happen. But usually I just stay in and watch more DVDs. And after a few hours it’s time for bed. Another day, another dollar. Or not. Maybe I should start looking for a new job? I’ll put it on my “To Do” list.

This past weekend I participated in Improv Everywhere’s highly publicized “No Pants” mission in which hundreds of us rode the 6 Train without wearing any pants. For more info about the event, click here Improv Everywhere

It was a very fun, very surreal event. Six agents not wearing any pants were cuffed and taken away by the cops. It’s been all over the news. Charlie Todd, Improv Everywhere’s creator and producer, was even interviewed on Keith Oberman’s show on MSNBC.

Before participating in the prank I was a little nervous. So I figured I should practice not wearing any pants in my apartment. Here I am acting as if I’m on the subway.

I’ll probably keep practicing the No Pants routine in my apartment until next year. Maybe then I’ll even get arrested!

A pretty good album by Pink Floyd. As well as a recurring theme in my life. On Monday before my show at UCB I opened up my prop box only to realize that a gallon of milk had exploded all over my various velvet jackets, mullett wigs, fake mustaches and other useful props in my show. The gallon of milk was a prop in of itself which I used for my “speed eating” routine. I figured just like my trusty ole fake mustache, the gallon of milk would maintain the same shape, size and comedic purpose througout my show’s run. But after about 30 days of sitting around I learned that a gallon of milk will expand and explode and cover every inch of material that gets in its path. And it will smell real bad.

I was not in science class on the day this was taught. And I wasn’t aware of this information. When I got home Niki wanted me to make sure I didn’t accidentally leave a gallon of milk hiding out somewhere in the other prop box I keep under my bed in my apartment. (Side note: If you’re 30 years old and you keep two prop boxes around, you have officially failed in life.*) So I checked under my bed and luckily didn’t find any gallons of milk. Still I can’t help but wonder if I should notify the MoMa about that gallon of milk with an expiration date of June 04, 1982 that I accidentally left in their storage closet next to some Picasso’s. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.

*I actually own 3 prop boxes. So maybe that reverses the “2 prop box=failure in life” theory and thus I am now actually a complete badass in life. I just phoned the comic The Amazing Jonathan and he confirmed the “3 prop box=complete badass” theory. (Carrot Top’s people wouldn’t return my calls.)

Guy: Actually the answer is Water Polo.
Girl: Shoot! Wait, how do they get the horses to get in the pool like that?
Guy: Um, there aren’t any horses in Water Polo.
Girl: Oh. (beat) Wait I think I hear something.
Guy: That’s him! He must be waking up! Quick! Put the Trivial Pursuit away!
Girl: But I didn’t get a pie yet.
Guy: Hurry up! We’ll leave thru the fire escape! C’mon!
(Guy and Girl leave. Morgan Freeman looks around.)
Morgan Freeman: Well. I better get back under the couch. (beat) Might as well grab a bag of chips for the long haul.

-Rob Lathan’s apartment in the East Village

Overheard by: Rob Lathan

I will be out of the office starting on Friday, January 13, 2006. I will not be returning back into the office until Forever. In my absence should you need immediate assistance please contact Whoever The Hell You Want. I won’t be here so I really could care less. Contact the CEO if you want. Or the President. Or Martin Sheen. Or how about Webster? Remember him? He was short. But he should be able to help you with any billing questions you may have. Here’s his number: 828-590-7421. Call him now. Ask him all about billing discrepancies. But give yourself at least an hour because he’ll go on and on about them. Still it will be a conversation you will love and cherish for the rest of your life. After all it will be TV’s Webster who you are talking with about billing discrepancies.

Thanks and have a great weekend.

Sincerely,

Rob Lathan

Out of Office Assistant Vice President

No, I will not declare early for the NFL Draft. So please stop trying to convince me that I should. Really. Please. Stop. Enough is enough. I’ve made up my mind. It wouldn’t make sense at this stage in the game for me to go early. There are a number of reasons why I should wait another year before I “test the waters”:

1. I don’t think I’m ready.
-I could probably use a little more experience playing organized football. Afterall I have never actually played football on the collegiate level. I’ve spent the last few years studying and performing improv comedy, in which I’ve learned to always “yes and” my scene partner. It’s been a great experience for me. But it probably wouldn’t help much in the NFL.

2. I’m not very fast.
-My 40 yard dash time is 5.9. Reggie Bush runs about a 4.2. If I tried to guard him, he’d probably run right by me. So I wouldn’t be a very good defensive back. And if I lined up at receiver I wouldn’t be much of a deep threat. You could always try throwing to me from 5 yards away, but I’d probably miss it. Or my hands would break. Why do people want me to declare early for the NFL? I don’t understand this.

3. I’m not very strong.
-Yes I did recently sign up for a one-year membership to Crunch gym. But that doesn’t mean I should jump on the NFL bandwagon right away. Let’s say I was a starting center and I was supposed to snap the ball to the quarterback and then block Warren Sapp. I couldn’t do that. First off, the ball would never make it to the quarterback. And secondly, Warren Sapp would literally kill me. I would die right there on the field. So whoever is trying to get me to go Pro early is being absolutely ridiculous. Really.

4. Not many scouts know who I am.
-Like I said earlier I have never played college football. So probably no scout or GM has ever heard of me. I’ve never heard Mel Kiper Jr. mention my name as a possible 1st or 2nd round draft pick. I mean why would he? Where would he have heard of me? The simple answer is he wouldn’t have. So it’s really stupid to think that I would be a high draft pick this year. Completely stupid.

5. I wouldn’t be able to make it to any games anyway.
-Every Sunday from 2:30-5:30 I have improv practice. So unless the game is at 8 o’clock at night, and in the Tri-State area, I’m probably not going to make it to any games. So why would an NFL team pay me millions of dollars to be on their team when I’m not going to be there anyway? That’d be really idiotic of them.

So sorry to dissappoint you. It’s just not gonna happen. No, I will NOT declare early for the NFL draft.
(But just out of curiosity, does anybody know where I’d go? I think someone had me going to Kansas City in the 2nd round.)

Howdy folks. Happy Beginning of The Year. I just wanted to let you know that the show I did way back in December (remember that?) now has a run at UCB. It’ll be Mundees (Mondays) at 8 pm. Here are the details:

TALENT SHOW
Written and performed by Rob Lathan
Directed by Will Hines
Also starring Dave Thunder as Talent Show host, Chick Webb
Special guest star to play Gardner Mundee each show

Mundees in January at 8 pm (1/2, 1/9, 1/16, 1/23)
UCB Theatre
307 W. 26th Street
$5
Reservations

*Sharing the bill with Get Evolved! starring Doug Moe and Caitlin Miller